Queen Announces State Funeral for Chalky

BBC NEWS England Chalky Given State Funeral

Tributes have been flooding in for Celebrity Chef Rick Stein’s beloved dog Chalky who passed away earlier today aged 17 (or 119 in dog years).

Chalky enjoyed years of fame, appearing in a number of television programs, and accompanying his owner on countless foreign adventures. The highlight of his career was arguably his in appearance in Celebrity Big Brother in 2002 in which he came runner up to Chesney Hawkes’ cleaner Margarita Cracatan.

In a special message from Buckingham Palace the Queen today announced that a book of condolence would be opened in all UK major cities, and that Mr. Stein and his family had been given the option of a state funeral for Chalky. Calls for a day of national mourning have been dismissed as absurd.

‘Law, I am the F***ing Law’ Proclaims Britains Top Cop

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/today/

Fresh controversy surrounding Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair erupted today following a remarkable outburst on Radio 4’s flagship Today program.

Sir Ian was being interviewed following the publication of the latest crime statistics showing a sharp increase in violent and aggravated crime.

The interview was brought to an abrupt conclusion after only 3 minutes when Britain’s most Senior Police Officer threatened BBC institution John Humphrys in an extraordinary display. Sir Ian screamed ‘aggravated! I’ll give you aggravated, you should try doing my job with this constant media attention from filth like you’. He went on, ‘we need a new regime in this country, and it starts today, right now, with me. If you or your liberal left wing colleagues get on my case again I will tear your f***ing head off’. I don’t want to hear anymore about the law, from now on I am the f***ing law!’

Rabid Beast
Humphrys, who is celebrating 20 years on the Today program today, said that he had never seen such an outburst in all his time at the BBC. ‘Sir Ian was livid, he started shaking uncontrollably and foaming at the mouth like a rabid animal’.

Back on the Beat
Sir Ian Blair was seen leaving New Scotland Yard this afternoon after telling his secretary he was going out on the beat.

After what has been a turbulent year for the Commissioner this latest scandal will do little to relieve pressure from some quarters for his resignation. The association of chief police officers released a statement shortly afterwards in defense of Sir Ian, ‘from time to time we all have a bad day at work, I am sure that the public understand that, I mean, its not like he killed anyone’.

Home Office Announce Southern Trains Selected to Launch UK Mission to Mars

BBC NEWS Science Britain plans first Moon mission

Beleaguered Home Office officials have today announced that they have appointed the train operator Southern as the company chosen to launch the UK’s ambitious Mission to Mars. The move has been seen by some as an effort by the embattled government department to deflect attention away from recent negative publicity over the entry of offences committed abroad onto the state of the art Police National Computer (procured from Amstrad by the Home Office in 2004) .

Recent reports that Home Secretary John Reid has started to show signs of instability of late were further fuelled by his comments at today’s press conference where he dismissed claims that the business had been awarded in a haphazard manor. ‘A full and thorough tender process was carried out which adhered in all respects to Home Office policy. Southern have been selected on the basis of their experience and expertise in running high quality and punctual transportation services, if they don't get it right I will eat my hat. And what’s more, this is a big two fingers to that curly haired moron Branson and his ludicrous tourist in space idea – nonsense!’

Heated Debate
The cost of the plan is reputed to be in the region of £199.95gazillion, which has prompted some heated debate in Parliament. Stiff opposition from the Conservative front benches led to demands that the funds be used to contribute towards the Trident replacement programme. LibDem leader Ming ‘the Merciless’ Campbell pleaded with the house to apply some common sense, and suggested that the money may be better used in order to finish Wembley Stadium. Mr Campbell was promptly shouted down by all sides on the basis that his idea was nothing more than ‘fanciful’.


Polish Builders
A spokesman from Southern made the following statement, ‘We are excited at the prospect of a daily commuter service being launched initially to the Moon, and later on to Mars. The first services are expected to commence around the time the Olympics in 2012, and will cost approximately £49 return to the Moon, and £99 return to Mars. We believe that there will be strong demand for the services, not least by Eastern European tradesmen traveling to the space station construction site on the Moon’.

Both NASA and the European Space Agency refused to comment.

Fresh Condemnation Over New Sadam Video

Human Rights Groups have joined in their condemnation of new images published on the Internet showing Sadam Hussein shortly after his execution last month. However sources in the US administration have reportedly defended their publication. A senior aide was quoted as saying 'the American People have spent the last 30 years listening to conspiracy theories and sightings of the King shopping in Walmart. At least we will be spared that kind of nonsense with Sadam'.

President George W Bush who has spoken out in condemnation of earlier images, said that this latest photo was if nothing else amusing and a welcome respite from the usual depressing images of Iraq.

A spokesman from the Cats Protection League said that Sadam's cat 'Tiddles' had been re-homed with the Jong-il family in North Korea, although fears for her long term future were voiced.