FA promote McClaren to Director of Football...for life

BBC News Sport Football Internationals McClaren

In a shock announcement this morning, the FA have confirmed that England Head Coach Steve McClaren will be elevated to a new role as director of Football and given a lifetime tenure as well as an OBE.

In a deal expected to be worth in excess of £250million, FA chief executive Brian Barwick announced details of the plans this morning just hours after England failed to qualify for next summer's European Championships. Mr Barwick spelled out the FA's vision for English football, and with it, his hopes that criticism over lack of stability within the England camp would now be
silenced.

Sir Steve was said to be 'as happy as a pig in shit' with the development, and explained that 'this has always been part of the plan'.

The Prime Minister congratulated the FA on a 'bold decision' and hit back at critics who claim that this is simply another example of the establishment rewarding failure. He also dismissed calls for the entire FA to be sacked explaining that he was ‘sick to death of calls for those in top positions across government and industry to be sacked or otherwise removed from post following mishaps caused by the ineptitude of their staff’.

McClaren has been unavailable for comment so far this morning, however sources close to the football supremo say he has been lining up Alastair Darling and Sir Ian Blair to complete his top team. An unnamed source was quoted as saying 'Steve believes that by surrounding himself with people who have reached the top of their game, and proven that they can cling onto their jobs despite the harshest of press criticism, will be key to his longevity in post. Although it will be tough to prise Sir Ian and Mr Darling from their current positions, it is their limpet like quality that is most attractive to Sir Steve’.

Patients Banned from Hospitals on Health Grounds

BBC News UK NHS Reforms

Patients are to be banned from hospitals in England because they spread infection, the government has announced. From tomorrow, three-mile "exclusion zones" will be set up around NHS facilities, with only medical staff, managers and accredited journalists allowed inside the cordon. Police marksmen and traffic wardens armed with tasers will enforce the ban on movement.

"This is an entirely sensible precaution," said Health Secretary Alan Johnson. "Governments have known for decades that infections are brought into hospitals by ill people, who then pass them on. We have to do everything we can to stop these infections from spreading around hospitals. Don't forget, there are some very vulnerable people in there, or at least there will be until tomorrow".

Patients are the latest in a long line of dangerous items to be banned from hospitals. Earlier this week it was revealed that bunches of flowers had been banned from several hospitals on the grounds that they too can harbour infections. NHS managers had neglected to inform patients or the florists operating within their hospitals, with the result that some nurses now have homes resembling Interflora.

Other items not allowed in hospital wards include raw sewerage (except where it is leaking from toilets constructed under PFI), rats, mice, dogs, guinea pigs and Anthea Turner. Tactical nuclear weapons were banned after some resistance in 1984.

Removing patients from hospitals will boost the government's attempts to improve waiting times. "We don't expect there to be many queues once the patients have gone," said one doctor. "It'll mainly be stressed-out doctors looking for drugs, but hopefully we won't be as stressed once there are no patients to treat."

A Downing Street spokesman denied that the real reason for the ban was to improve statistics. "That's absolute nonsense," he said. "It's right that we take all necessary precautions to protect the people left in our hospitals. This isn't about making the government look good."

Chris Evans to be 'Groomed' as next England Cricket Captain

David Graveney, Chairman of English Cricket Selectors, has today announced that notorious celebrity drunk, Chris Evans, has been chosen to replace Andrew Flintoff as heir apparent to Michael Vaughan.

Flintoff's Disgrace
Vaughan, who is expected to step down following England's forthcoming disappointing departure from the World Cup in the West Indies, has welcomed the decision. In a press statement this afternoon Vaughan said ‘Chris will be a great addition to this young England side, bringing a wealth of invaluable experience especially off the field. I really couldn't have thought of a better fit for the team as Captain. We really need someone who can lift the team following the kind of crushing defeat we are expecting in the next few days'.

When pressed for a reaction to Flintoff's dismissal Vaughan responded, 'sure I feel bad for Freddie, but that kind of behaviour simply wont be tolerated. He has been warned several times in the past about his drinking, but he is from Lancashire, and these things can be deep routed. That said, if you consistently refuse to buy a round, you cant have any complaints for being sent home in disgrace. At least the new boy has a few quid in his pocket'.

Pedalo
It is understood that Ian Botham has been dispatched via team pedalo to escort Evans to the England camp where they are expected to remain long after their imminent departure from the competition.

Glitter Execution Sparks Outcry Following Final Takeaway

BBC News/World/Perverts/Glitter Sex Abuse Appeal Rejected

Children's charities have united in condemnation of Vietnam's ruling military junta following the announcement yesterday that Paul Francis Gadd, better known to many as Garry Glitter, had been executed in Ho Chi Minh City following his conviction in for child molestation offences in 2005. The execution was carried out by public stoning.

Takeaway Delivery
Unicef spokesman Mia Farrow clarified the UN Children's welfare organisation's position in a press statement last night. 'The furor has been largely due to details being released of the hours leading up to Glitter's execution. We understand that it is customary to grant certain privileges to the condemned, however we feel it was wholly inappropriate to allow this man to order a takeaway for his last meal. This anger has been intensified by images of his request being delivered to the Ho Chi Minh Jail being plastered all over the World's Press this morning. We feel this is insensitive to his victims and their relatives and sends the wrong message to would be Sex Tourists'.

Glitter's execution marks the end of a sad demise from the dizzy heights of pop stardom during the 1970's and early 80's following a string of allegations levied against him. A small group of his fan club held a candle light vigil for him in the hours leading up to his death in his home town of Banbury in Oxfordshire.

Pay-Per-View
John Royce QC, the Judge that presided over Glitter's 1999 UK trial, was said to be 'thrilled' at the news of Glitter's stoning. BSkyB have announced that footage of the execution will be released on a pay per view basis via their Box Office service in the coming weeks.

Queen Announces State Funeral for Chalky

BBC NEWS England Chalky Given State Funeral

Tributes have been flooding in for Celebrity Chef Rick Stein’s beloved dog Chalky who passed away earlier today aged 17 (or 119 in dog years).

Chalky enjoyed years of fame, appearing in a number of television programs, and accompanying his owner on countless foreign adventures. The highlight of his career was arguably his in appearance in Celebrity Big Brother in 2002 in which he came runner up to Chesney Hawkes’ cleaner Margarita Cracatan.

In a special message from Buckingham Palace the Queen today announced that a book of condolence would be opened in all UK major cities, and that Mr. Stein and his family had been given the option of a state funeral for Chalky. Calls for a day of national mourning have been dismissed as absurd.

‘Law, I am the F***ing Law’ Proclaims Britains Top Cop

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/today/

Fresh controversy surrounding Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair erupted today following a remarkable outburst on Radio 4’s flagship Today program.

Sir Ian was being interviewed following the publication of the latest crime statistics showing a sharp increase in violent and aggravated crime.

The interview was brought to an abrupt conclusion after only 3 minutes when Britain’s most Senior Police Officer threatened BBC institution John Humphrys in an extraordinary display. Sir Ian screamed ‘aggravated! I’ll give you aggravated, you should try doing my job with this constant media attention from filth like you’. He went on, ‘we need a new regime in this country, and it starts today, right now, with me. If you or your liberal left wing colleagues get on my case again I will tear your f***ing head off’. I don’t want to hear anymore about the law, from now on I am the f***ing law!’

Rabid Beast
Humphrys, who is celebrating 20 years on the Today program today, said that he had never seen such an outburst in all his time at the BBC. ‘Sir Ian was livid, he started shaking uncontrollably and foaming at the mouth like a rabid animal’.

Back on the Beat
Sir Ian Blair was seen leaving New Scotland Yard this afternoon after telling his secretary he was going out on the beat.

After what has been a turbulent year for the Commissioner this latest scandal will do little to relieve pressure from some quarters for his resignation. The association of chief police officers released a statement shortly afterwards in defense of Sir Ian, ‘from time to time we all have a bad day at work, I am sure that the public understand that, I mean, its not like he killed anyone’.

Home Office Announce Southern Trains Selected to Launch UK Mission to Mars

BBC NEWS Science Britain plans first Moon mission

Beleaguered Home Office officials have today announced that they have appointed the train operator Southern as the company chosen to launch the UK’s ambitious Mission to Mars. The move has been seen by some as an effort by the embattled government department to deflect attention away from recent negative publicity over the entry of offences committed abroad onto the state of the art Police National Computer (procured from Amstrad by the Home Office in 2004) .

Recent reports that Home Secretary John Reid has started to show signs of instability of late were further fuelled by his comments at today’s press conference where he dismissed claims that the business had been awarded in a haphazard manor. ‘A full and thorough tender process was carried out which adhered in all respects to Home Office policy. Southern have been selected on the basis of their experience and expertise in running high quality and punctual transportation services, if they don't get it right I will eat my hat. And what’s more, this is a big two fingers to that curly haired moron Branson and his ludicrous tourist in space idea – nonsense!’

Heated Debate
The cost of the plan is reputed to be in the region of £199.95gazillion, which has prompted some heated debate in Parliament. Stiff opposition from the Conservative front benches led to demands that the funds be used to contribute towards the Trident replacement programme. LibDem leader Ming ‘the Merciless’ Campbell pleaded with the house to apply some common sense, and suggested that the money may be better used in order to finish Wembley Stadium. Mr Campbell was promptly shouted down by all sides on the basis that his idea was nothing more than ‘fanciful’.


Polish Builders
A spokesman from Southern made the following statement, ‘We are excited at the prospect of a daily commuter service being launched initially to the Moon, and later on to Mars. The first services are expected to commence around the time the Olympics in 2012, and will cost approximately £49 return to the Moon, and £99 return to Mars. We believe that there will be strong demand for the services, not least by Eastern European tradesmen traveling to the space station construction site on the Moon’.

Both NASA and the European Space Agency refused to comment.