Chris Evans to be 'Groomed' as next England Cricket Captain

David Graveney, Chairman of English Cricket Selectors, has today announced that notorious celebrity drunk, Chris Evans, has been chosen to replace Andrew Flintoff as heir apparent to Michael Vaughan.

Flintoff's Disgrace
Vaughan, who is expected to step down following England's forthcoming disappointing departure from the World Cup in the West Indies, has welcomed the decision. In a press statement this afternoon Vaughan said ‘Chris will be a great addition to this young England side, bringing a wealth of invaluable experience especially off the field. I really couldn't have thought of a better fit for the team as Captain. We really need someone who can lift the team following the kind of crushing defeat we are expecting in the next few days'.

When pressed for a reaction to Flintoff's dismissal Vaughan responded, 'sure I feel bad for Freddie, but that kind of behaviour simply wont be tolerated. He has been warned several times in the past about his drinking, but he is from Lancashire, and these things can be deep routed. That said, if you consistently refuse to buy a round, you cant have any complaints for being sent home in disgrace. At least the new boy has a few quid in his pocket'.

Pedalo
It is understood that Ian Botham has been dispatched via team pedalo to escort Evans to the England camp where they are expected to remain long after their imminent departure from the competition.

Glitter Execution Sparks Outcry Following Final Takeaway

BBC News/World/Perverts/Glitter Sex Abuse Appeal Rejected

Children's charities have united in condemnation of Vietnam's ruling military junta following the announcement yesterday that Paul Francis Gadd, better known to many as Garry Glitter, had been executed in Ho Chi Minh City following his conviction in for child molestation offences in 2005. The execution was carried out by public stoning.

Takeaway Delivery
Unicef spokesman Mia Farrow clarified the UN Children's welfare organisation's position in a press statement last night. 'The furor has been largely due to details being released of the hours leading up to Glitter's execution. We understand that it is customary to grant certain privileges to the condemned, however we feel it was wholly inappropriate to allow this man to order a takeaway for his last meal. This anger has been intensified by images of his request being delivered to the Ho Chi Minh Jail being plastered all over the World's Press this morning. We feel this is insensitive to his victims and their relatives and sends the wrong message to would be Sex Tourists'.

Glitter's execution marks the end of a sad demise from the dizzy heights of pop stardom during the 1970's and early 80's following a string of allegations levied against him. A small group of his fan club held a candle light vigil for him in the hours leading up to his death in his home town of Banbury in Oxfordshire.

Pay-Per-View
John Royce QC, the Judge that presided over Glitter's 1999 UK trial, was said to be 'thrilled' at the news of Glitter's stoning. BSkyB have announced that footage of the execution will be released on a pay per view basis via their Box Office service in the coming weeks.