LibDem Outrage Over Berlusconi Pre-Poll Sex Ban

BBC NEWS World Europe Berlusconi 'in pre-poll sex ban

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has taken a vow of abstinence following a meeting with popular television preacher Father Massimiliano Pusceddu in Sardinia this week. Mr Berlusconi has reportedly agreed to refrain from all sexual activity until elections are held on 9th April this year.

Robust Response
The news prompted outrage from Liberal Democrat Head Quarters who issued a robust statement in which they branded the Italian Premier as a "sarcastic grease ball". The statement, released via the Press Association on Monday, went onto say that this was nothing more than "petty political point scoring" in the wake of revelations of sexual improprieties from both Mark Oaten and Simon Hughes last week[1]. The Statement concluded we feel that "given the political environment in Italy since the second World War, it is improbable and somewhat ambitious to think that Mr Berlusconi will have to wait until 9th April for an election".

Diplomatic Crisis
The Foreign Office has played down speculation that the spat has escalated into a full blown diplomatic crisis, however did admit that the Italian Ambassador was "somewhat sensitive" when the matter of the forthcoming 64th post war election was raised.

Hope for First Lady's Bush
First Lady Laura Bush has however greeted the announcement with unexpected enthusiasm. In a statement posted on her website, the First Lady described the news as "a refreshing and welcome approach". With a little under six years remaining in President Bush's final term of office, Mrs Bush goes on to say that "I will be doing everything I can to persuade George to adopt a similar policy at home".

[1] http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/4649266.stm

Pontiff to Appear in Latest Star Wars Movie

Star Wars: Hyperspace The Official Star Wars Fan Club

George Lucas has announced today that former Pope John Paul II has a cameo role in the forthcoming Star Wars Movie. Mr Lucas said that the footage was shot just months before the Pope's death in April 2005.

A papal aide confirmed the reports and said that it was part of a Vatican initiative to bring the Church to a new generation of people.


Church groups have expressed a mixed response to the news. Some hard-liners have denounced the decision complaining that this is just another example of dumbing down within the Church.

Film fans and critics have however welcomed the news. Norman Barry Chairman of 'Hyperspace' the official Star Wars Fan Club, heralded the news as the 'Greatest Film on Earth'.

Bulimic Squirrel Monkey "Nearing the End" say Doctors

Doctors treating Chucky the Squirrel Monkey for Bulimia Nervosa have said that the next 48 hours are crucial, and they are praying for a 'miracle'. Chucky's weight has dropped dangerously since his latest admission to the priory clinic last month. Doctors and therapists have been working around the clock however all treatments thus far have failed.

Hopes were briefly raised earlier today when Chucky's idle Calista Flockhart paid a visit in a last ditch attempt to reason with him, although these were quickly dashed after a journalist discovered a PizzaHut delivery boy scaling a wall at the rear of the facility.

A Priory Spokesman said this afternoon that Chucky was at the stage now where he couldn't even make it to the toilet unaided.

Air Rage Suspect: You wont take me to Birmingham Alive!

BBC NEWS UK Air rage grounds 200 passengers

200 holiday makers aboard ChavAir Flight BY437b have been rerouted to Orlando after a passenger reacted badly to the Captain's announcement that the aircraft was destined for Birmingham.

Polish national Rafal Krawczyk is being held by the FBI who arrested him at Sanford Airport in Florida.

Birmingham's Flagship Civic Center

Mr Krawczyk, who had been on holiday with his family reportedly became irate and screamed at cabin crew and passengers when he realised the destination of the flight.

Miss Chelsea McDonalds, 19, from Slough, was in an adjacent seat and recorded the incident on her mobile phone. Mother of 5 Miss McDonalds, speaking at Birmingham international Airport this morning said, "I woz terrified, not for me, but for me kids. The first fing I need to do is text their fathers to let them know we are all alive".

No details have been released about the charges that Mr Krawczyk will face, however the FBI later released a statement in which they stressed the severity with which they treat these incidents post 9-11, and confirmed that Mr Krawczyk had been taken to Camp Xray in Guantanamo Bay for interrogation.

Agent Chet Grandcock of the FBI said "Mr Krawczyk was extremely determined not to return to Birmingham, and even attempted to open an emergency exit which would have had a devastating effect on the aircraft. Mr Krawczyk informed me that he had been to Birmingham once before on a day trip in 2003, and would rather die and see his family perish than return there. He appears much more relaxed now we have him in custody in Cuba".

Nobody at the Birmingham Tourist Board was available for comment.

Brown Bears go "Sledging" for Fun

http://www.nationalgeographic.com/

The National Geographic Society this week announced that they had observed Brown Bears in Canada stripping bark from trees in order to fashion primitive sledges which they then used to slide down grass banks.

Although playful behaviour has been observed in other species such as dolphins and apes, this is thought to be the first time that this activity has been observed in bears. Given the risk of injury and use of valuable calories, the article concludes that the activity can only be explained as the animals having "fun".

Brown bears are known to live a mainly solitary existence, and therefore have limited social interaction with their peers and it is thought that this may be a contributory factor in the behaviour. Bears have not until now been witnessed making or using tools, and the publication of this article will surely lead to further research.

Publication of the article prompted a number of similar reports, however these were quickly dismissed as elaborate hoaxes. The National Geographic Society confirmed today that "our preliminary investigations into squirrels playing darts in Arizona have proven to be unfounded and were in fact from a dubious source".

Schwarzenegger and Bush hospitalised after Bar Brawl

United States President George W. Bush and California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger have been taken to the Cedars Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles after police were called to the scene of a fracas between the two men at a bar in Down Town LA last night. Bar Manager Troy Pitt was eyewitness to the altercation, and made the 911 call. Mr Pitt said, “ it’s unbelievable, the pair had been in the bar for a number of hours and seemed to be in good sprits. The first sign of trouble was when we heard raised voices and President Bush picked up a barstool and attacked Governor Schwarzenegger. The situation deteriorated from there”.

Mr Schwarzenegger was treated for concussion and required 15 stitches to his lip. He was later discharged without charge. Mr Bush however is still being treated for severe bruising.

Police have released a brief statement in which they say that President Bush has been charged with affray and confirmed that bail had been set at $10,000.

Vice President Cheney has assumed interim control pending a White House Investigation. In a Press Conference this morning a White House aide said that she was under clear instructions from Mr Cheney not to release the bail, a decision which leaves President Bush’s short term future somewhat unclear.

Former President George Bush Senior was today taking part in a charity golf event at Pebble Beach CA and has refused to visit his son in hospital. He did however agree to be interviewed. “Barbara and I had warned Junior several times about the dangers of alcohol, and thought that he had heeded those warnings. He has a history of getting carried away once he has had a few, and on more than one occasion Jed or I have had to straighten him out at family events. He really cant look after himself in a scrap so I don’t know what he was thinking picking a fight with Arnold. We can only surmise that after his experience with Mohamed Ali last month, his ego has got the better of him”.

It's Official - John Redwood, 'Not Human'!

Press Complaints Commission

The Press Complaints Commission has rejected a complaint received from the Rt Hon John Redwood MP against the Daily Mirror, after the newspaper published an article on the 2nd April 2005 headlined "He's not Human... don't vote for him".

Mr Redwood claimed that the newspaper was in breach of Clause 1 of the code of practice on the basis that the headline was "inaccurate". The PCC failed to uphold the claim.

A Conservative Central Office spokesman said that "the ajudication merely served to confirm what many in the party had suspected for sometime". Mr Redwood was unavailable for comment this evening.